Shining down like water
by kim-onka
Summary: 1. The engagement. 2. After the battle is lost, all that is left are words. But words can be important, too. All in all, it may be a start, perhaps.
1. Chapter 1

(To whom it may concern: I_ will_ update _Evening Dress Trap_. Tomorrow, promise. It's just, I have a favourite couple, and I keep writing about a different couple; my favourite couple are getting married and I use this opportunity to dress up Mammon. And I need something non-comedic occasionally. And engagement comes before marriage.)

About the story: I had planned for a fic that would go chronologically through the events, but since it's the end anyway, I decided to go the other way round. So expect a trip backwards in time through a mixture of canon and headcanon.

Title from a song I for some reason like.

I disclaim, of course.

* * *

'You're…' The words stuck in my throat. I started again. 'You're really saying that you're…'

'…going to die. Yeah, kora.'

Colonnello was watching me closely, to see my reaction. I hoped he wouldn't ask me if I was crying, which was apparently his favourite question.

I wasn't crying. So it wasn't tears he could see in my face. Was it shock, disbelief, sadness, fear, desperation? A fan of emotions not unlike those from that day, so long ago. The day which was about to be replayed for someone else.

Someone else…

'Then that means… when we were being cursed, the previous Arcobaleno were dying,' I said, breaking the silence, trying to ignore the persistent ringing in my ears.

_He's going to die... They're all going to die. Colonnello, Mammon, Reborn, Uni, Fon, Skull, Verde… Colonnello._

_He's going to die._

I didn't waste my breath on saying things like "This can't be happening." I knew well enough there was nothing too terrible to happen; so despite the protesting voice somewhere in my mind I had to believe Colonnello's words were true.

And I was afraid. I could remember the hell of dream of the future, of the world where he had been dead. I would rather die myself than go through that.

He nodded, never averting his eyes from my face. I had half a mind to snap at him for this.

'Reborn wants to side with Bermuda, so as to prevent the creation of new Arcobaleno… but that would be giving up, kora!'

And for that reason he, Mammon and Verde had attacked Reborn and ended up knocking Uni unconscious. Not that I expected anything constructive from those people, but, really.

I turned to stare into the distance, pretty much like last time; I was feeling uneasy standing face to face with him in my shaken state. When he could only see my profile in the greying air, I felt safer.

'There's something more, isn't there?' I asked. 'Why you refuse to accept this plan.'

Mammon and Verde were obviously selfish, but destroying the Arcobaleno system was in itself an appealing idea for its victims and Colonnello had said they were going to die either way… If only it weren't what I thought it would be…

'Yes, there's another reason,' he said finally. I waited. 'If everything about Arcobaleno is destroyed, you will die, too. I won't allow that, kora.'

Right. Awesome.

'I don't get a say in this?' I asked wearily.

'I can't let you die,' said Colonnello stubbornly.

Now I was getting annoyed.

'Well, this can get a bit hard when _you_'re dead,' I drawled.

'Do you think I _want_ to die, kora? I don't! But I won't let you die, no matter wha-'

Sharply, I turned and slapped him. Three times.

Clearly, he hadn't been expecting that.

'Ouch! _What the hell_ -'

'You haven't changed at all! You're still an idiot!'

'B-but -'

'Don't talk back!'

Colonnello obediently shut up and continued to gape at me. But I didn't care anymore, because now I was vexed.

'I don't know why I even bother talking to you, seeing as you don't pay attention! I accepted all those things you did, because it was your decision! But that was all just about the curse! Why don't you _listen_? Do you seriously think you can go and die and I'll be fine with that?!'

'No, I-'

'Then don't say things like "no matter what"! Do you think you can die and consider it a job well done because you're leaving me alive?! On my own? Well no! In fact-'

I paused. Knowing Colonnello's priorities, there was probably only one way for me to threaten some sense into him. It might be a drastic measure, but… no, it wouldn't be a lie.

And I realized I actually could say that. Unlike in the memory of the future, I was no longer bound by regret or unresolved matters; this week's events had freed me from those.

It was truly a soothing feeling.

'I'm giving you a fair warning,' I said quietly. 'If you die stupidly, particularly in an attempt to protect me, I swear I'll kill myself.'

'What? No! You can't do that!'

'Try to stop me.'

'B-but don't you… I mean, there are people who care for you, kora!'

As soon as he had said it, he realized it was a mistake. I could see it. But I had no mercy.

'Well, there are people who care for you too, in case you haven't noticed! If you don't care, then neither do I! Anyway, I don't want to hear about other people!'

'I could tell Iemitsu…'

'Oh? And what would you have him do? Lock me up somewhere with no sharp objects or strings? I'm not exactly powerless. I should be able to run away and finish myself off, at the very least.'

'You'd really use your power? And fight the CEDEF?'

'If I were forced to. But it would be your fault for telling them. And are the technical details of my suicide really the point here?'

For a moment Colonnello looked as if he wanted to say something, but decided against it and went on to study my face flushed with anger and that other thing that tended to creep out when I was near him, while I glared. He appeared to be thinking, although maybe I was overrating him.

'I can see you're serious, kora,' he finally said.

'Amazing, you noticed,' I snarled.

Why was I stuck with someone who couldn't recognize a confession when it was being shouted into his face? What was wrong with me? Because that quite obviously had been a sort of a confession.

And there was probably some other way such things ought to go.

'Well, I'm fed up with you. I'm going back.'

I stood up, but only managed to take a few steps before he caught my arm.

'Hey, Lal! Wait, kora!'

'What!' I snapped.

'I get your point, kora, I really do. But what is it you want me to do or say, then? I still die!'

I hesitated. He was right. I was angry at his attitude, but even after everything I had said, it still changed nothing. The situation offered no good choices.

To be fair with myself, all that had been probably to override my fear and take out my frustration at the perspective of Colonnello's death. On Colonnello, since he'd been there. I felt an urge to smack myself next.

Not that I was going to admit it.

'I want you to stay alive,' I said, my voice unexpectedly tense. 'I would like to dispel the curse, destroy the Arcobaleno system and keep everyone alive. Nothing new. But if that's impossible, then I want you accept this: we stop getting in each other's way. We're in this together…'

I swallowed. It was there again, the barrier, the need it keep it all inside, locked forever, even now. So it would be forcing words out of my throat again. And my cheeks were burning.

'…We both live, or we… both die, depending on the outcome. Call it a compromise if you like.'

I held his gaze, unsure of what could be seen in my eyes. Probably not much, actually, for someone who appeared as dazed as Colonnello at that moment.

He grabbed my other hand and squeezed it.

'Lal… is that really how you feel?' he asked, looking at me so intently that once again I felt uneasy; there was a weird sensation of lightness rising in me.

'Yes,' I managed, 'for the hell it's worth, this is how I feel.'

There was a moment of silence.

'Don't say that, Lal,' he said, very gently. 'We'll do as you like, kora. So…' he looked hesitant, and then suddenly smiled, a shade weakly. 'I'm not really prepared, but…'

I blinked. What?

'…if we somehow survive this, if we live…'

I stared as Colonnello got on his knees before me. Surely this couldn't be-

'Will you marry me, Lal?'

-a proposal. Nice timing. I tried to find some words, but I wasn't sure which ones, and there was that lightness, already in my head, making me hazy… _what_?

'You know I love you, kora,' he said in my prolonged silence.

I did. Or maybe not. I did sometimes. It was all so complicated. And the question of what I felt was usually even worse.

Once, someone – about the only person ever to make me speak of this – had told me that perhaps it didn't have to be complicated. Maybe it could be simple.

'Lal, please say something,' Colonnello pleaded.

He could die. And I had sworn to kill myself if he did. Why? Because I couldn't bear the thought of being separated from him. Again.

This was simple.

But if we survived this, would we still be infants? Would the curse break? What if broke only for one of us? Had he thought of that?

Probably not. Probably that didn't really matter. It didn't change the important things.

My throat was clenched, so I gave a curt nod.

Colonnello's face lit up, and suddenly the tension was all gone.

'Can I hear it, please?'

'What, have you brought a recorder?' I muttered. 'Yes. I will.'

'You will-' he prompted.

'-marry you,' I complied, rolling my eyes. 'Happy now?'

'I don't think I've ever been happier, kora,' said Colonnello sincerely.

This tugged at the corners of my lips, prompting them up a little. 'Good, so get up already.'

'I promise I'll make you happy too,' he announced, not getting up.

Uncertain how to react, I gave another nod. 'This is enough, really,' I said. I would have difficulty explaining what exactly I meant by this, but Colonnello didn't ask. Instead, he finally got up on his feet.

He was smiling really wide.

'I'll take you home,' he offered, but he didn't move. Then in one swift movement he pulled me closer and kissed me on the cheek.

Then he did take me home, although "home" is a fancy name for an apartment occupied together with two coworkers. Colonnello himself was still staying at Iemitsu's house.

I waved away Oregano's concerned questions. What could I say? That I had just got engaged and would probably commit suicide in the nearest future? It didn't sound like something the girl would take calmly, let alone understand.

I locked myself in the bathroom, went in under the shower and started pouring hot water over my head.

There might have been tears.

_._._._._._._._._._

Uncursed. I was uncursed. I was back to normal. Even the scar was gone. After all those years, I was an adult again.

It felt so good.

My CEDEF teammates got very excited about my transformation, which meant their eyes nearly fell out when they saw me. Even Basil's, and he had seen me in the future. Come to think of it, it was what they had wanted out of this battle from the very beginning, so I could understand their satisfaction. But I was a bit surprised when Oregano hugged me.

On the other hand, if I had been left in the same position as the Arcobaleno, I would grow up along with Colonnello. That wouldn't be all that bad either.

But regardless of our respective curse status, we were both alive. And I knew what that made us. Engaged.

Even if the concept sounded a bit abstract.

'No,' I said, looking at the tiny box on the palm of my hand. 'I'm not going to wait.'

Colonnello looked crestfallen.

'You won't, kora?' he asked quietly.

Really, what an idiot. How long did I need to hammer something into his head for him to comprehend? Not that I wasn't used to this.

'No, absolutely not,' I repeated, taking the ring out. The stone was shining in the sunlight. 'Why should I wait? I'm going to start the preparations.'

'You- what?'

'Are you familiar with the idea of a _wedding dress_?' I inquired, slipping the ring onto my finger and holding my hand out to the light.

As if I would let go so easily now. No, now I was free, and I could be selfish.

'That was mean, kora!'

Oh, was my fiancé finally up to date? Unbelievable.

'It's your own fault for being an idiot,' I replied easily.

'You're really okay with this, kora?' Colonnello sounded genuinely concerned.

I shrugged.

'I admit it could be better. But that's how it is.'

'That's not what I mean.'

'I know what you mean, and once again I am moved to say that you're an idiot.'

Colonnello grinned.

'Then it's okay, kora.'

And it was, more or less. More than usual. I smiled.

My smile grew wider.

Then I did something that would leave practically everyone who knew me gaping in baffled incomprehension; and apparently that included Colonnello.

I started laughing, and couldn't stop. After several minutes it was clear that it was some sort of a laughing fit, if not a weird type of nervous breakdown, but I ignored it and kept laughing. After all this, perhaps I had the right for a little laughing breakdown.

'Um, Lal, are you okay, kora?' Colonnello was clearly unsure if he should be worrying about the state of my mental health.

Maybe he should. I was a woman about to marry an infant. Maybe I was crazy.

I took a deep breath.

'I… don't rem-member… being more… okay… in a long time.'


	2. Chapter 2

I'd like to note that I don't believe in anime fillers, so no Arcobaleno Trials in this story.

Here we go, enjoy~

* * *

What. The. Hell.

Confusion. Disappointment. A sense of unfairness. Pain. Sweetness. Gratitude. Confusion.

_We have lost._

And not even in a proper battle. We lost because those sneaky cowards had attacked _Iemitsu's wife._ A civilian. A person totally, completely uninvolved in any way other than offering us hospitality… and being someone Iemitsu was prepared to risk his life to protect.

I had been honest. If a little too honest, maybe. Maybe not. I couldn't blame him. It was their fault. But whoever I blamed, we had lost.

And then there had been _that_. Since it was over anyway, my boss had felt I should be told the truth of our fight… the truth of Colonnello's plan.

I probably should have seen that coming. I had wanted to lift Colonnello's curse, though, wanted it so much I hadn't thought I could be cheated out of it by my own team. But of course, I could never be allowed to save him as long as he had something to say about that, and it had been his fight, after all. The prize would have been his to give anyone he wished. Me. Small wonder they had kept it a secret from me; they all knew me well enough to know I would've protested.

Now, it was too late to protest. Now all I could do was accept the facts as they were. Accept another gift of intended sacrifice, even if I had never wanted it.

I should be angry, but for once I found it hard.

He hadn't wanted me to know, even now. And he had _blushed_. Usually, I was the one blushing for no apparent reason, which annoyed me greatly and in turn made me blush harder. But I couldn't remember ever seeing Colonnello blush. It was not like him. He'd always been so confident about it all… whatever it was. His feelings. For me.

If I had had any doubts, they were all gone by now. Whatever it was, whatever I would call it, it was there still. He still cared for me, still wanted to save me. If I called it love… He still loved me.

Despite everything, this left me with a sense of strange sweetness.

Should I call it love? Was it love I felt?

If it was, it was a weird kind of love, and selfish. Unlike Colonnello's.

He would save me, go away at my request and return only to try to save me again… and now it that it had failed he didn't even want me to know. It was so utterly _selfless_. More selfless than I could hope to understand. If I was prepared to risk my life protecting the one most important to me, like I'd declared, it was because I needed him to keep on living, like I'd said. Thinking of Colonnello, I thought of myself. On the other hand, Colonnello seemed to think of me only.

The idea sounded strange and made me uneasy, but there it was. If this was what true love looked like, I didn't think I was even capable of it. So what had I ever done to deserve it?

But even so, I had feelings of my own, and had had that sudden urge to confess them. The sudden thought that it was now or never, and I couldn't stand never. That I had already learnt what good denial did me, and it had been the time to tell the truth. He deserved it.

So I had forced those words out of my throat, letting my eyes hide in the shade of my bangs as I had begun, but then looking straight at him, determined not to mind anyone else.

It was time to learn what good acceptance would do. Probably not much, knowing my luck. On the other hand though, it could hardly be worse than the consequences of my rejection. Than the horror of the memory of the future.

He had said my name, and nothing else, because we had been interrupted. I had been ready to kill Reborn at that moment. But then Iemitsu and Nana had been finally taken to hospital, Basil had gone with our boss, Reborn started talking to Colonnello, and Bianchi called me inside the house. Unsure what to do with myself, I followed, bracing myself for some comment about the power of love, but she only said that I probably would like to be alone, and if I wanted, she would show me to the roof. I could find some peace and quiet there, she said, and when Colonnello found me there, which he without a doubt would, no-one was like to disturb us. Since I had no better ideas, I agreed.

And so I was sitting on the roof of Iemitsu's house, staring off into the night, thinking about the evening's events and waiting, in a mixture of impatience and apprehension, for Colonnello to find me.

And he did.

I heard the footsteps; he stopped a few steps behind me.

'Lal?'

'Colonnello,' I answered, never moving.

There was a moment of silence.

'Are you crying, kora?'

I rolled my eyes, which he couldn't see.

'You're asking that again. Do you really want to see me cry that much?'

That was probably unnecessary.

'Lal,' said Colonnello. When I didn't turn to face him he continued, 'Of course I never want to see you cry. But it's even worse to think you could be crying all alone, without me there.'

I thought about that time I had cried; I had refused to shed as much as a tear in front of any of those who had wanted to offer me comfort and waited till I could really be all alone before succumbing to my misery. I had always found it hard to be sad; I would sooner get angry.

Unfortunately, getting angry didn't always solve the problem; and when it didn't, neither did sadness. But it would haunt me all the same, despite people wanting to be there.

Even Colonnello.

Yet even so, I was glad he was there.

'Well, I'm not crying,' I said flatly.

'But you're upset.'

'And you're not?' I demanded.

'Sure I am, kora.'

'Then don't expect me to be all cheerful.'

'I don't, I just…' He hesitated. 'Can I sit here with you, kora?'

If he actually asked, this was serious. 'It's not my roof, I can hardly forbid you.'

Colonnello took it for the consent it was. He came up to me and sat down by my side. I could feel him watching my profile, but I continued staring into the night.

'I'm sorry it turned out this way, kora' he said quietly.

I sighed. What on earth was he apologizing for again? Surely not for trying to save me once more, or for tricking me?

'I didn't manage to lift your curse-'

No, of course not.

'That wasn't your fault,' I interrupted him, impatiently. 'So don't apologise.'

He fell silent, though I knew it was not likely to be for long. Before he found something to say, I raised the touchy subject myself.

'Did everyone know?' I asked, careful to keep my voice indifferent, if weary.

'Did they- Yes, Iemitsu told them. He said if he told them it was for you, they'd need no other reason, kora.'

I gave another sigh. Obviously, they had had no reason to fight for a stranger, but they had been eager enough to battle for one of theirs. For me. Even if I myself would have preferred to free Colonnello, but my opinion never seemed to count.

'I'll have to thank them all,' I said.

Apparently this statement sounded suspicious.

'They only kept it secret because-'

'-you asked them to. I figured. Don't worry, I'm not going to scold them. It's too late for that.'

'Too late,' he repeated bitterly.

'But I'm glad Iemitsu told me in the end.'

'Me too, all in all.'

All in all indeed. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have had that sudden fit of sincerity.

Perhaps it was for the best.

But it didn't mean I intended to let everything pass.

'You asked me about the dream of the future,' I started.

'Yes?' Colonnello sounded surprised at the subject change. 'What of it, kora?'

'Did you by some lucky chance manage to register the fact that in that memory, in ten years' time, I was an _adult_?'

'Er, yeah. I know that, kora,' he admitted.

'Then didn't it occur to you that if we could lift your curse by winning this battle, in a maximum of ten years we would both be back to normal?'

'That's true, but I couldn't-'

'You should have,' I told him wearily. Plain application of logic showed that the right to lift the curse would be wasted on me, even putting my feelings aside. But the type of resolve characteristic of Colonnello was blind to logic.

'And what then, kora?'

'What do you mean, what then? Don't you think it might be _nice_?'

'Yes, but what would we do then?' he persisted.

_Ah_. I understood. Well, it seemed I had asked for this. 'I don't know,' I admitted. 'Perhaps it could be a start.'

'A start,' he repeated.

I nodded, feeling the blush flood my cheeks. I wondered if the darkness hid it at least partially. Probably not.

I sensed the movement, slow and uncertain, as if to give the time to react. I didn't as much as twitch a muscle, waiting.

Colonnello covered my hand with his.

I closed my eyes.

'Lal, I only wanted-'

'I know,' I cut in. 'Don't explain.' I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to feel Colonnello's hand on mine and forget the situation we were in. I was so sick of it. I was so sick of it all.

And probably simply sick as well, to give in to such stupid thoughts.

Colonnello obediently stopped explaining his motivation. I had used to wish he paid so much attention to what I told him.

'You guys won't be leaving anytime soon?' he asked instead.

'What? No, I don't think so.' We were out of the battle, but our boss was in hospital, same as his wife, and Sawada was still fighting. 'And you?'

I hadn't given it much thought before, but now it crept over me our defeat could mean the end of our reunion, if we were both to return to our normal jobs. I didn't want that. I didn't want to watch Colonnello's retreating back again. Ever again. Not after the dream of the future. Not after today. Just no.

'I think I'll stick around to see how this ends, and then…' he shrugged. 'I'm not sure yet.'

'You won't be returning to Mafia Land?' I said.

'I've had enough of it, kora,' Colonnello declared, his voice warm. 'It might be time to find myself a new place. What do you think?'

'Might be,' I conceded indifferently.

'I'm glad you agree, kora.'

_I bet you are._ Without a word, I shifted my hand slightly to make room and turned it around, so that the palm and not the heel of it faced upwards; Colonnello made a move as if to take his hand away, but when he realized this was not what I was hinting at, he took hold of my hand. Our fingers interlocked.

It was a small blessing we finally had some privacy, because it had to look pretty silly. Two infants holding hands. Some would maybe say it looked cute, although if they had any sense they wouldn't say that to my face.

And at the moment this was all I had. And it was more than I'd had for many years.

My life was so pathetic.

My life was so twisted.

My life was precious to someone, even so.

Involuntarily, I tightened my grip on Colonnello's hand. He responded with the same.

I remembered my words from earlier, yet again.

_Your feelings.. give me the courage… to live._

This made it more complicated still. What was I supposed to do? What could I do with this weird bond? This _love_, or whatever it was?

I didn't know which came harder to me, loving or being loved. There, I was slowly getting used to that word.

I had done it all wrong. From the beginning. And yet he was there, holding my hand, never asking why I had rejected him, what had caused my mind to change, what was it I was thinking or feeling. He just took what I had to give him, all too grateful for the merest scrap of appreciation or affection.

I didn't understand it. But I was thankful for it.

'Lal,' Colonnello whispered.

'What?'

'Nothing.'

And so we sat, hands joined, until I heard the beep of my communicator. I raised my other hand to answer; it was Basil, who wanted to inform me about Iemitsu's condition. Apparently he was going to be fine, and asked to see me. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, much less leave the roof, but I said I'd come all the same.

'I'll take you there,' Colonnello offered.

'Take- with that bird thing?'

'It's not a bird thing, it's Falco, kora.'

'Can it do that?'

'Easily. I bet you're light as a feather, kora.'

I snorted, but agreed to let him fly me to the hospital, where Iemitsu apologized all over again and felt the need to tell me that, in his opinion, Colonnello really cared for me. As if I couldn't see it by myself.

I had noticed, I told him.

And perhaps it could be a start.


End file.
